#4.... Check!

On one of my previous posts, I mentioned top 10 things to look forward to, welp, #4 is officially completed!!!

I have been working on this project at school for about 8 months, it has been a beast! I have taken this thing from brainstorming ideas, submitting for IRB approval, finding subjects, writing the consent form, data collection, data analysis, statistical analysis, data compilation and relevance, writing the manuscript, submitting it to the American College of Sports Medicine-Texas Chapter for recognition, getting invited to guest speak as a graduate student, having an all expense paid trip to Odessa TX with seven colleagues and three professors from UTSA coming to support me, and FINALLY (today at 2pm) giving the oral presentation on inspiratory resistance and it effects on hemodynamics after exercise.

There has been NO fluffing on my description of the amount of time and work I put into this, and in fact, I have probably painted a more simple picture than it really was. But what I feel is the greatest accomplishment of all, is that I never backed out. Countless times throughout the past 8 months I changed my mind on how involved in research I wanted to be. I lost momentum in my motivation as graduation became nearer and nearer. I struggled to understand what the heck I was doing during the data analysis, and statistical analysis, and I probably spent a total of what would be 4 solid, 24-hour days in the lab in front of a computer analyzing (but with full time student status and several other lab projects circulating I couldn't devote that much at one time). I got SO SO frustrated when the results didn't come out as expected, and the findings were merely a fraction of what we had hoped they would be. I don't know how many articles I read total, maybe 50-something?, to make sure my rationale was convincing, and still no results. And finally, during all of this, I decided I wasn't going to do a thesis for my Master's. I could see my future much clearer which would have been full of more of the same, and I didn't want anything to do with it!

While all of this trudging was going on, the ever-looming possible oral presentation in Odessa Texas just added to my resentment toward this beast. Nothing was fun about the entire process (I guess I shouldn't say 'nothing'... working with my friends for my subjects was pretty fun); I am sure I am not the first one to tell you that nothing is fun about giving an oral presentation. When I found out I got accepted as a presenter, I just buckled up and thought 'if I have put up with this thing this far, I am not going to back out now!' But the thought of presenting my work scared me to the core.

I knew I was testing inspiratory resistance, but I didn't know anything about the inspiratory pump. I knew I was analyzing data with the doohicky machines in the lab, but I didn't know how they worked or where the data went once it left the screen I was looking at in real-time. I knew I was analyzing R to R intervals and blood pressure readings, but I didn't know how that played into inspiration and exercise. I could go on for probably an hour on the things I didn't know about what I was doing. And THIS is what I was going to take to Odessa and present in front of 100 PhDs who know precisely what I was doing and what it all meant? I wonder if you can even really feel my fear... it was nearly unbearable.

I don't know how many sleepless nights I had over it. I remember the worst being the month of January. I was only 2 months from presenting and not feeling ANY more confident in my background. If I did happen to fall asleep, I would jolt awake around 4 or 5am and not be able to sleep again until the next night. It was awful. I can genuinely say I hated most things about this experience.

So I spent the last two months crammed in my notebooks. Crammed in my collection of articles with intertwining topics and lineages of expert researches tracing through everything I should know about what I am going to be talking about. I put together my powerpoint presentation and gave it to my lab about a month ago. It was a train wreck. I was more nervous to give this presentation (in my lab, all sitting in an intimate circle with only 4 other people that I see literally everyday) than I have been to give any other talk in my life. And with every slide, I was stopped by either my Advisor, Dr. Cooke, or the other Grad student on things I need to fix about my presentation. What should have been a 15 minute talk, was an hour of criticism.

I ran to the bathroom and cried. I had one of the worst days ever, and wanted it to be over. I wanted nothing to do with this project anymore. But did I ACTUALLY give up? Nope.

I sucked it up, made the changes that were suggested, and for some reason, about 3 weeks ago, the strangest thing happened. I calmed down. I got confident. I can't say it came from no where, I prayed like a mad woman for Heavenly Father to work some magic on me to calm me down (which is a huge feat, considering I run my life very independently and don't feel as though HF will help me with anything if I don't make an effort to do it on my own first) But this, calming down and getting confidence about my presentation, was WAY beyond Chrissy's realm of capabilities. Believe me on that.

And the confidence didn't come a moment too soon. As time unfolded, the number of colleagues and professors from UTSA going with me increased exponentially. What I thought would be me and 2 other people, quickly turned into a group of 10. The reason this wasn't a confidence building experience is simply because of the expectations that came with undergrad students who think I know a lot more than I do, a couple grad students that know exactly what I SHOULD know, and professors who want to be impressed. All would see me on campus and ask if I'm ready. They would give me advice, assure me I'm going to do fine, and mention how excited they are to hear me speak. All of which was done with the intention of calming me down, but really magnified the fear if for no other reason then because of the sheer number of times they approached me about it (showing me they knew it was a huge deal and felt obligated to try and calm me at every opportunity). One professor in particular has a reputation for expecting a lot out of his students. He has a huge temper, is very critical, but is one of those personalities that is always right about his criticism (picture Simon Cowell from American Idol; very curt, abrassive, chip on his shoulder, but almost always right.) This professor was coming for the single reason to see me speak. He, more than anyone else in the room, scared me to have listen.

Soooo, here's the good news. I nailed it. I showed up to Odessa, got first place in the graduate manuscript category (beating out a post-doctoral student from UT-Austin), got a few nods, a huge plaque and a picture with the President of TACSM, and a check for $400. Mom, Dad, and Michael-Paul all drove 5 hours each way in one day to share this with me, and after my presentation, the Simon Cowell of professors walked up behind me, put his hand on my shoulder, looked me square in the eyes and said 'that was one of the best presentations I have ever seen, hands down.'

Probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, to date.