In it's December 17, 2006 issue, The New York Times articled an outline of 15 questions 'relationship experts' say are critical for any couple to ask before marrying. I guess it is so, because these experts have drawn conclusions as to what commonly brings couples to divorce. Here's what the article posted:
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
I want to contrast this against an assigned reading I had my junior year at BYU from Brother Doug E. Brinley, in a Docterines of the Gospel course. As soon as I read this article, I remembered emmidiately the reading from that course. I fished it out from a box in my closet, and it is very interesting to see the differences. Here it is:
l. Are you better people when you are with each other? Does each of you inspire the other to do his best in studies, jobs, church callings, and other significant responsibilities? Or do you both live below your standards and ideals when you are together?
2. Does either of you want to date anyone else? If so, you are not yet prepared to give yourself fully to the other.
3. Do you truly enjoy each other's company? Or do you just enjoy each other when you are doing things you like to do?
4. Do you feel better about yourself when you are with him or her? Do you feel like a person of true worth, a child of God?
5. Are his or her needs as important to you as your own? Do you each find yourself continually looking for appropriate ways to make the other happy? Or are you each seeking your own happiness and interests without first considering those of the other? True love "seeketh not her own." (l Cor. 13:5)
6. Are you each free to be yourself when you are together or must you always be on guard? Do you need to hide what you really are? Or are you confident that you are fully accepted and loved?
7. Are you prepared to marry the family of your prospective mate? While you may think that you only marry one person, in a real sense, you marry into a whole family. The parents of your mate become the grandparents of your children. Do you each feel good about that-and the influence they will have on your children?
8. How do you each treat your own parents? Do you respect them as individuals and respect their position and authority? It is likely that you will treat each other the same way you each treat members of your own family.
9. How does each of you feel about the other being a parent of your children? (Role Playing:) Mike, will Elaine be the type of mother that you really wish for your children? And will you want your children to be like her—because they probably will be. Of course, Elaine, you will need to ask the same question about Mike as the father of your children. Are you each now, or are you becoming, the type of individuals that you would be happy to have your children become? Have you discussed your goals for parenthood? And do you both agree upon and accept the gospel plan of bringing children into your home?
10. Do you each accept the patriarchal order? For you, Elaine, is Mike the type of priesthood bearer that you really trust? Are you willing to counsel together in love, but if necessary, abide by his counsel in righteousness and follow him in a spirit of genuine willingness? Does Mike seek your opinion on issues involving both of you? Can you call upon him in full faith and confidence to give you a special blessing when you desire? Is Mike honoring his priesthood so that he will be able to bless your children in times of illness or other needs?
For Mike: Do you fully obey your priesthood leaders in all righteousness? Are you willing to set a model of obedience to them for Elaine and your future children? Do you love and respect her enough that you give careful consideration to her ideas and feelings and make all possible decisions together? Are you willing to follow her ideas when they seem more inspired and correct than your own? Once an issue has been carefully and prayerfully considered, does Elaine accept the final decision willingly—or rebel against it? Do you trust her to help your children learn to be obedient to your righteous direction by being a model for them? Does Elaine inspire you to be a righteous priesthood leader in your home?
11. What will your destiny together be? Your potential destiny is that of god and goddess. If each of you continues to progress as you are now, is godhood likely? Will your prospective mate help you to achieve that great destiny? Do you both accept the law of perfection and the principle of eternal progression? Does each of you see the other as becoming perfect?
The final guideline, number twelve, is all-important: after carefully considering the foregoing questions and then reaching a decision have you had your decision confirmed by the Lord?
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It is interesting to me, how each and every one of the points listed in The New York Times is solved entirely by the questions listed from my course. Its almost like the latter questions are pre-cursers to the former.
a couple of examples:
'have we discussed whether or not to have children?': family is central to God's plan. it is the means by which progression on this earth and within the Gospel can thrive. We chose this plan as members of our faith, and by doing so speak to others of our hope to further the progression. note: the latter set of questions mention nothing of 'if we want children'. i love that.
'Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?': the latter set of questions openly state that the parents and family WILL affect the relationship. again, it is family. it is an unavoidable issue, it is a given that we will be interacting with our family. and this isn't to say we just have to grin and bare it. family is one of the means by which eternal happiness is achieved. it starts here on earth and continues on. yes, respect is important, but as members of the church we are commanded to honor our parents. it is a given and should already be in place.
anyway, i love that we know more than everyone else. :) in all seriousness, i think that the gospel sheds light on fundamental principles of life that others just do not have an awareness of. the 12 questions from my gospel course compile in essence a list of groundwork of campatibility. it is not uncommon to hear authorities within the church speak of marriage as more achievable than many believe. so long as two people have the basics in order, they can get married and experience success and happiness. on that order, i re-read The New York Times list and feel complete relief that such trivial matters are honest non-issues within a worthy temple marriage. 'will there be a tv in our bedroom?' are you freakin' kidding me? divorce? over that? talk about missing the mark...
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